On Saturday I awoke with a pain in my heart. A deep, heart-felt pain that seared through me. I’ve been in this space now for 3 days. It is not physical, but the emotional pain of something that is breaking my heart. I have not deepened into it until now, now being the time when there is no choice but to explore, the pain is that great. Many things are taking me to the depths of reconstruction, where big foundational life choices are under extreme scrutiny. What I know after deep reflection is that I am losing my oldest friend to cancer, a friend I have known since we were 15 years old (I am now 45); I am serving 2 families who clearly represent bigger changes I wish to make with my livelihood, each one a reflection of some larger vision I have of myself as a therapist/healer. The intensity of my job continues to blow me away-I have many needy families and it all feels incredibly deep and important and something I struggle to manage. I know I do not give myself enough down time to deepen, that I keep myself occupied out of fear I cannot name .
Honesty and self-care are what I need most. Giving myself time to grieve, to feel, to make mistakes with the understanding that is what makes you grow. The wisdom of falling down and getting up, of knowing the path that much better because you stumbled. I have a lot of emotional baggage tied to how successful I can be as a therapist/healer, leaving no wiggle room to grow. This I release now. I can participate in better self-care, giving myself time to deepen into my feelings. I can believe in a world where I am supported and held.
And in Love, I am ready to receive my Shakti Energy, to be fully embodied in my sensuality and sexuality. To laugh and play and be close with my beloved. I am ready for it! This I say with lightness.
Photography by April Aronoff