Stepping Into The Flames of Change

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2016 is the year I will ignite change.  It is the year I will end one phase and begin another, leaving many old patterns and ways of life behind.  I create this intention now.

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This vacation has been wonderful in many ways; I have spent pleasant time with both my boys, an act that is always far and few between, have lusciously slept late in the morning, and have visited with friends and family.  I am blessed!  But I have also been incredibly indulgent with my addictions, leaving me drowsy and sluggish.

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As I inch closer and closer to the fire, leaving less space to flee, run, post-pone, my body becomes heavy with all that has surfaced for burning.  It’s a pregnant feeling, although instead of giving birth to life I will be giving birth to death.  As excited I am by this process, there is a piece of me that wants to post-pone, flee, do anything to avoid.  It feels daunting, like climbing to the apex of a very steep mountain.  The end result will be beautiful, I know!  Yet the struggle remains.  There is a huge piece of me that is scared I may fail, yet, as I wrote in the poem below, to not try is akin to death.

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April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

Poem link here:

https://mytemplegarden.org/2015/12/29/jump-a-poem/

 

Jump-A Poem

 

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Why is it so hard to get the words

from here to there?

They are shouting across a chasm,

begging for a rope or a bridge,

anything to take them to the other side

where they can finally come alive,

living, breathing, and dictating a life

that is bursting to be heard.

 

Then I hear it:

“You can do it,” the voice tells me,

“Jump”

The chasm is deep and wide,

and I lose my sense of balance

as I stare into its nothingness.

“Jump,” it tells me again,

“You can do it, don’t look down.”

I shift my line of vision up 90 degrees,

the other sides features fuzzy,

but with outlines I can clearly see.

“Jump!” the voice says more firmly, “Do it, Jump!”

There is no guarantee I will make it,

no way of knowing if I will land breathing

or made up of bloody pieces,

but the thought of not trying is death.

“Jump!” the voice is now yelling, “Do it now, jump!”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes,

a vision appearing despite my sudden loss of sight,

every ounce of my blood alive,

and get a running start

and Jump.

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April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

 

Healing With Birds

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As I was about to plunge into my darkest hour, that place of utter self-deprecation and fear, a flock of birds began to fly in and out of my garden.  It was quite a sight!  They flew to and from the bare branches of my apricot tree, and the feeling of watching them come and go was nothing short of grace.  They were beautiful; flying away from the tree individually or in pairs, flying back to the tree as a flock, a giant wave made of bird instead of water, landing almost simultaneously on each branch.  It took my breath away.

And I felt myself soften, my desire to avoid slip away.

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Now I could connect, tap in, something that felt almost painful in recent days.  I had gone from feeling completely resonant with my intention to experience deep fulfillment, to feeling like I had crossed all the wrong lines within myself.

But then the birds came and filled me with joy.

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And it came to me as I sat in stillness that this wobbling, this going off-center, is all part of the experience of going deep.  Of knowing when we have strayed too far from the path and need to get back on track.

And how I handle getting back on track, as difficult as it is, well that’s just another experience of going deep.

I almost beat myself up.  Instead, I helped myself up.

Thanks to the birds 🙂

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Magic is everywhere, even in our darkest hour!  I must remember:  It’s important to look to the light, even when the darkness beckons.

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

Originally posted 1/2015 on my prior blog, runninginwater.com

 

Addiction Is Staying With Me For The Holidays

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Her name Is Addiction

and she’s staying with me

for the holidays.

“Dee,” we call her for short.

 

Dee slipped into

my life

right before Thanksgiving,

and now has taken over

every room of the house.

 

Dee doesn’t care

that I have kids,

or drive a car

or go to work.

She lives by her own impulses,

and makes demands

that must be met

any time

at any moment

of any day.

 

What would happen

If I said, “No” is not known,

as Dee is very persuasive,

often leaving me feeling sleepy,

and malleable just enough,

so that a boundary,

any boundary,

can be pushed with ease.

 

Dee knows her visit is mixed;

intense pleasure

alongside wrangled angst;

angst over my permissiveness,

my everything is okay-ness,

over admitting

that I enjoy Dee

and her presence,

no matter how much

she burn’s me out.

And that I let her

get away with more shit,

than any other being

I have in my life.

 

I hope I don’t see Dee again

for some time (undefined).

Her stay is not forever,

and even she will know

when that stay

has been out welcomed,

slipping away

in the same manner

as always;

slow, languid,

a heavy trail of essence,

fragrant in every room,

reminding me

that she has been here

or is coming

and that I better be ready.

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April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

 

 

Finding Transfiguration

IMG_3859In performing Transfiguration, one becomes a being of light.  It is a light that is divine and shining like the brightest star.IMG_3849As I experience Transfiguration, I go to a place of very high frequency.  This is what I experienced the first time I performed Transfiguration last summer, and what I experienced again last Thursday.  I fill with light and automatically rise up many notches on the frequency meter.  I bathe in my own light.  It is so uplifting and energizing, and feels something akin to Divine Inspiration.  It is the scent of Rose, whose essential oil heals with the highest vibration. IMG_3867Is this why I was chosen to be the gate keeper of Rose oil and why I have planted 10 Rose bushes on my property?IMG_3847

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

 

December 2015 Flower Bowl/About Inspiration

 

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I am doing a 1-week meditation with Inspiration, from the start of the dark moon to 7 days into Her cycle.  If I can continue on another week I will.  This is what I have come to know about Inspiration today.

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      Being inspired is an active state.  I wish to find it in the world, draw my senses to it.  So that I may feel, smell, touch, taste, hear and see it all around me.   I want to mediate on Inspiration, let it fuel me the way a bee drinks nectar, let it lift my spirit high.  Otherwise if I wait for it to find me, I will forget and fall into lethargy.

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     Inspiration is a source of energy.  Raising my vibration like water wets the Earth, it lifts my etheric body like a flower in exquisite bloom.  Is this what it’s like to soar?  I wish to see.  

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I think I will shout, “You said it Sister!” 

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

To The Muse

IMG_3737I suddenly realize that I have been seeking sources of inspiration in the world.  I just finished reading Find A Way, by Diana Nyad, the story of a 64 year old marathon swimmer who swan from Cuba to Florida, and I just received in the mail Aging Artfully by Amy Gorman: 12 Profiles of Visual & Performing Women Aged 85-105.  These women are giving me hope, stirring my curiousity, and helping me dig deep within my soul to see what I am made of.

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I am going to be seeing Allison’s family this Friday eve.  I haven’t seen them since the funeral.  In texting with her husband and partner of 26 years, 26 years that he and I have known each other as well (he and I met 3 months into their relationship),  I am suddenly awash in grief and love.  I am so excited to see them!  Yet my heart is bursting.  They will all remind me of Allison, from looks to mannerisms to time and history together.  This is both a blessing and a moment to breath.  I will let these moments be my source of inspiration!

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April Aronoff

Photography by April Aronoff