I am doing some serious work of late. I am bumping up my energy work to a level I never imagined. Yet I have questions. Two years ago I learned that I was the Keeper of Rose Oil, whose council is to surrender to unconditional love. It was an intense time, cultivating in a kind of break down that forced me to examine myself deeply. While I loved that I was Rose, was unconditional love and beauty, I couldn’t extend this toward myself. I remember being filled with grief and anxiety that felt as ancient as the oldest stone on Earth. It ran from the depths of my insides to every inch of skin. I was very far from unconditional love.
Now I am here. Standing at the precipice of change, staring at the giant open endless sky, the blushest of Rose colored clouds beckoning for me to jump. I know I have crossed the threshold. While I still struggle with anxiety and depression, I am also beginning to embody the Frequency of the Rose. It’s been a wild ride from that dark place I was 2 years ago to where I am now. And so my question is this: Is it possible to be the Keeper of the Rose, whose sole purpose is to vibrate the highest frequency of love known in any realm, when my heart is filled with pain daily? How can I be wielding such tremendously challenging feelings while simultaneously activating the highest frequency of love throughout my body? Yet it is happening. I am being told my hands are activated, that I am to run the energy of the Rose through them, to shower others in love and light and healing and peace. This I feel in so many parts of my body. Yet my heart runs heavy.
I am also told to use my hands on my own body to heal 🙂
Its been 5.5 months since I’ve have gone off of anti-depressants. I felt so much better on them, yet a huge part of me was numb and shut down, and had been this way since early childhood. I badly want to stay off them, to allow the Shakti energy that has been latent rise to the surface and set me free. Yet some days I’m not sure I can do it. This type of medicine was beneficial for so long. It allowed me to chill out and relax an already highly stressed out nervous system. I was far from perfect, but physically I felt much better. So it sounds a bit crazy that I want to stay off these meds. Yet I feel I am meant to peel away the layers of these intense, dark emotions of mine. To understand and heal what is really at their core. I’m sure my body chemistry is legitimately wonky. But underneath lay something that is waiting for healing. Something old and primal and dark. It is this that I seek.
I recently participated in an ancestor healing ritual in my backyard. My backyard is my temple space, and it is sacred to me. Many of my roses are planted back here, along with a variety of medicinal plants, totems and garden art. The ceremony was during the Full Moon. I stayed up all night feeding the fire, making offerings of liquor and coffee throughout the night. I would take a giant swig of liquor and spray it on the pictures of ancestors encased in plastic bags for protection. These lay on the altar along with other sacred offerings. And I thought about them, and sang to them, and softly asked that they cross, so that they can move on to what’s next in their evolution. Some of them did. And some of the pain and burden that we in my line had been carrying for all these years, well that just lifted. The pain was healed as they were healed. Lately it feels like I am growing new skin. It’s been a wild month, to say the least.