December 2016 Flower Bowl/The Incredible Magic of Beauty

Boy these days are tough.  My connection with spirit is what’s keeping me sane;  meditating, listening, declaring my sovereignty over and over.  Refusing to walk in the shadow of  I Am Worthless.

Today was particularly hard.  I felt lethargic and slow to take care.  Slow too engage in the practices that I knew would empower me.  And as I teetered on the brink of giving in, letting it win, letting the I Am Worthless seep into my skin, I laid my eyes on THIS.  And I Am Worthless began to promptly liquify.

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What I saw was beauty.  The kind of Beauty that takes your breath away, that connects every fiber of your being with utter bliss.  It’s just that spectacular.  And being so steeped in Beauty, in that moment, so utterly in love, well, that leaves no room for feeling unworthy.  What I felt in that moment was Beauty.   And it made my heart sing.

May I cherish and remember this always 🙂

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img_4676I am hoping to have this wall finished soon!

Much radiance,

April Aronoff

Altars, Knowing, and Transformation

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I’ve decided to embark on a voyage of the soul.  As I continue to struggle with my feelings of anxiety and irritability, I find myself reaching deeper and deeper into the well of my spiritual tool bag.  What I find never ceases to amaze me.  Last week my boys had another huge blow out fight.  At times it gets so ugly, with my husband and I struggling to stay cool, sane, and in control.  In all honesty we’ve lost it ourselves more than once.

The next day I sat in the garden, feeling pretty lousy about my family life. I began to hold a small bundle of wisteria branches I had collected to make a magic wand.  They were long but thin, the perfect size for a wand.  I added some sweet smelling lavender that had already bloomed and dried.  The combination was pure beauty J  Then the knowing came:  Make an altar for your family.   Feed this altar, pray to it.  Call in your ancestors, all of them.  Call in all the guides that are there to help each of you.

So I did just this.  I made a beautiful altar on my dresser.  Here is a picture of it when I first began, many days ago:

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I let the flow and set up of the altar come from within.  Each of the corner stones represent the four of us in our family, and I when I feel moved (or desperate) I work with the stones to heal us on a spiritual-soul level.  It’s been beautiful and empowering to work with family healing this way.  Smudging, prayer, magic.  Bathing in the full moon.  I never fail to find grace when I am engaging in these practices.  I need to do them more.

As I gazed upon the beautiful creation that was a living intention of healing in my family, I closed my eyes and began to see.

What I saw was Me, as full of anxiety as I was in that moment.  And the anxiety was everywhere.  And the spirit me that I saw so clearly felt it to.  Then I dropped away and it was just Her. Me, on a soul level.  And She began to take big, deep, breathes.  Inhaling deep, going all the way to the spine, the back of the heart opening like a flower at the end of each inhale.  Exhaling slow.  This became the rhythm that began to flow.  And one by one each of my children joined Me, holding hands together and breathing deep.  My husband arrived and made us complete.  The 4 of us forming a circular wave of rising and falling chests as we held hands and breathed.  I felt the liquid peace seep into the farthest crevices of my anxiety, transforming the feelings of desperation and loathing into something entirely at peace.   It was truly amazing, this transformation.  I went from feeling like our family was a battleground to one of serenity.  I came out of this mediation feeling at ease.  Then I went and got my boys and actually had something resembling a peaceful evening.

A few days later I added a picture of my husband and myself, to honor our own healing as a couple.  Fresh rose petals have been added many times, along with prayers, meditation, and an anointing with rose essential oil, one drop on the rose quartz heart that sits in the center of us.

Here is a picture from today, after having been fed flowers.

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This practice has been going on now for almost 2 weeks.  I am grateful that I have documented this journey, because I have experienced more than a few emotional dips since it first began.

And as I re-read my own story, this is what I wish for myself:

May I remember this moment of healing whenever I find I have lost my way.

May I remember that magic lies within me.

May I remember that moments are never ending, and there is always tomorrow.

Peace 🙂

April Aronoff

The Ramblings of a Rose

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I am doing some serious work of late.  I am bumping up my energy work to a level I never imagined.  Yet I have questions.  Two years ago I learned that I was the Keeper of Rose Oil, whose council is to surrender to unconditional love.  It was an intense time, cultivating in a kind of break down that forced me to examine myself deeply.  While I loved that I was Rose, was unconditional love and beauty, I couldn’t extend this toward myself.  I remember being filled with grief and anxiety that felt as ancient as the oldest stone on Earth.  It ran from the depths of my insides to every inch of skin.  I was very far from unconditional love.

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Now I am here.  Standing at the precipice of change, staring at the giant open endless sky, the blushest of Rose colored clouds beckoning for me to jump.  I know I have crossed the threshold.  While I still struggle with anxiety and depression, I am also beginning to embody the Frequency of the Rose.  It’s been a wild ride from that dark place I was 2 years ago to where I am now.   And so my question is this:  Is it possible to be the Keeper of the Rose, whose sole purpose is to vibrate the highest frequency of love known in any realm, when my heart is filled with pain daily?  How can I be wielding such tremendously challenging feelings while simultaneously activating the highest frequency of love throughout my body?  Yet it is happening.  I am being told my hands are activated, that I am to run the energy of the Rose through them, to shower others in love and light and healing and peace.  This I feel in so many parts of my body.  Yet my heart runs heavy.

I am also told to use my hands on my own body to heal  🙂

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Its been 5.5 months since I’ve have gone off of anti-depressants.  I felt so much better on them, yet a huge part of me was numb and shut down, and had been this way since early childhood.  I badly want to stay off them, to allow the Shakti energy that has been latent rise to the surface and set me free.  Yet some days I’m not sure I can do it.  This type of medicine was beneficial for so long.  It allowed me to chill out and relax an already highly stressed out nervous system.  I was far from perfect, but physically I felt much better.  So it sounds a bit crazy that I want to stay off these meds.  Yet I feel I am meant to peel away the layers of these intense, dark emotions of mine.  To understand and heal what is really at their core.  I’m sure my body chemistry is legitimately wonky.  But underneath lay something that is waiting for healing. Something old and primal and dark.  It is this that I seek.

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I recently participated in an ancestor healing ritual in my backyard.  My backyard is my temple space, and it is sacred to me.  Many of my roses are planted back here, along with a variety of medicinal plants, totems and garden art.  The ceremony was during the Full Moon.  I stayed up all night feeding the fire, making offerings of liquor and coffee throughout the night.  I would take a giant swig of liquor and spray it on the pictures of ancestors encased in plastic bags for protection.  These lay on the altar along with other sacred offerings.  And I thought about them, and sang to them, and softly asked that they cross, so that they can move on to what’s next in their evolution.  Some of them did.  And some of the pain and burden that we in my line had been carrying for all these years, well that just lifted.  The pain was healed as they were healed.  Lately it feels like I am growing new skin.  It’s been a wild month, to say the least.

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April Aronoff

 

Finding My Universal Wink

I came home from a 3 week vacation to find my snapdragon in a loving embrace with my Budda.

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Snapdragons represent grace and inner strength, while the Budda is the Master of Serenity.  I am an avid gardener, on a mission to create a healing space in my yard.  Yet I struggle with my path, where I place my feet, the direction I am headed.  The Budda enveloped with the snapdragon is the Universe winking at me, smiling upon me, letting me know that where I find 1  aspect of this trio (grace, serenity, inner strength), the other 2 are sure to follow.  That finding such peace is only a gaze, a breath, a moment away.

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Perhaps I will find more Universal Winks.

Namaste 🙂

April Aronoff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dance With Addiction and How I Learned to Love Myself (sort of)

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So I have decided, in the midst of feeling like addiction has kicked my butt, and that typically in this situation I would spiral to a place of anxiety and depression, that I am really, truly awesome.  I know that much change needs to take place in order regain solid ground.  What I don’t want to do is beat myself up for the dance I do with addiction.  Because that’s exactly what this is, a dance.  Back and forth, up and down.  No control, great control, total balance, total chaos.  The full gamet of possibilities I do with this dance partner of mine.  But it is what it is.  Whatever direction I am walking in, whether it be the path of inner peace or one of great fury, I have to believe I know how to lead my way.  That wherever I am, it is exactly where I am supposed to be.  So for right now, I am dancing with addiction and its kicking my butt.  But I am deciding I am really, truly awesome.  And that I believe in myself each day, no matter the decisions I make.  My goal is always to let go, ignite, and evolve.  It is my mantra.  And for now dancing with addiction is part of this process.

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April Aronoff

Photography by April Aronoff

Another Green Sign That Spring Is Yet To Come

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These are narcissus shoots, bulbs that I bought last Spring of 2015, at the time planted in tiny stones inside a pretty glass container.  The plump shoots were close to blooming when I bought them, and the whole effect of luscious shoots+planted in tiny stones+ inside a clear glass jar was a sirens song I could not resist.  I kept them for many weeks, even long past their gorgeous bloom, cutting off the tops so that I would still have a bounty of green inside a clear glass jar.  I kept cutting off the tops, and the plants grew smaller and smaller until I finally had to admit they were done.  Then I the put the whole plant outside, intending to deal with it later, but never did.  The root system had grown quite a ways by the time I got around to it, something that was clearly visual in the jar, and not so attractive to look at.  I finally pulled the bulbs out, cut off the roots and left them on my outdoor deck, again with the intention of planting them.  By the time I discovered them many months later I assumed they were ruined.  And then I forgot about them.

Until yesterday.

It has been raining here for several days now, our yard a mess of weeds more than we’ve ever seen since we’ve lived in this house of almost 3 years.   As I glanced outside yesterday, I saw on our picnic table a flower pot completely full of water, 6 green stalks popping through the glassy top.  I stared for a minute and then it hit me:  the narcissus!  They had not died!  In fact, they had gloriously gone on, despite my abandonment of them.  One of the bulbs had fully rotted, but the rest were well alive.  Here they all are, re-potted:

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Another bountiful sign for Spring.  Another sign that Imbolc is approaching, the time of year where the light shines longer in a 24 hour period.  The time of preparation for birth, the time of emergence.  As the light grows, so does the seed.  Light is the nourishment that feeds the seed to grow roots, veins, shoots, buds, and flowers.  It invades every cell of a plant, with the outcome a spectacular beauty provided to every sense a human can possess.  I freely admit I am already craving Spring.  I smell it in the air and the linger of water that clings to the leaves, a faint mix of dead with the newest forms of life; tiny buds I can palpate with my finger, little green leaves poking out the tiniest curl.  They are everywhere in my yard.  Some I can see, some I cannot.  The rain has helped my plants look more lush than I’ve ever seen them.

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In this time when I find life to be kicking me in the behind, I can sit with these gorgeous shoots and know that Spring is near.  That the time of rebirth is imminent.  I can’t wait until it is more underway, the first of my roses giving gorgeous blooms with scent that makes me swoon.  Too deepen with my roses, knowing that I am Their Keeper, the holder of Their frequency and magic.  Roses are the ultimate Love.  While I am not yet there (feeling ultimate love that is), I know this is so.

Blessings to New Life  🙂

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

 

Stepping Into The Flames of Change

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2016 is the year I will ignite change.  It is the year I will end one phase and begin another, leaving many old patterns and ways of life behind.  I create this intention now.

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This vacation has been wonderful in many ways; I have spent pleasant time with both my boys, an act that is always far and few between, have lusciously slept late in the morning, and have visited with friends and family.  I am blessed!  But I have also been incredibly indulgent with my addictions, leaving me drowsy and sluggish.

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As I inch closer and closer to the fire, leaving less space to flee, run, post-pone, my body becomes heavy with all that has surfaced for burning.  It’s a pregnant feeling, although instead of giving birth to life I will be giving birth to death.  As excited I am by this process, there is a piece of me that wants to post-pone, flee, do anything to avoid.  It feels daunting, like climbing to the apex of a very steep mountain.  The end result will be beautiful, I know!  Yet the struggle remains.  There is a huge piece of me that is scared I may fail, yet, as I wrote in the poem below, to not try is akin to death.

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April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

Poem link here:

https://mytemplegarden.org/2015/12/29/jump-a-poem/

 

Healing With Birds

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As I was about to plunge into my darkest hour, that place of utter self-deprecation and fear, a flock of birds began to fly in and out of my garden.  It was quite a sight!  They flew to and from the bare branches of my apricot tree, and the feeling of watching them come and go was nothing short of grace.  They were beautiful; flying away from the tree individually or in pairs, flying back to the tree as a flock, a giant wave made of bird instead of water, landing almost simultaneously on each branch.  It took my breath away.

And I felt myself soften, my desire to avoid slip away.

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Now I could connect, tap in, something that felt almost painful in recent days.  I had gone from feeling completely resonant with my intention to experience deep fulfillment, to feeling like I had crossed all the wrong lines within myself.

But then the birds came and filled me with joy.

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And it came to me as I sat in stillness that this wobbling, this going off-center, is all part of the experience of going deep.  Of knowing when we have strayed too far from the path and need to get back on track.

And how I handle getting back on track, as difficult as it is, well that’s just another experience of going deep.

I almost beat myself up.  Instead, I helped myself up.

Thanks to the birds 🙂

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Magic is everywhere, even in our darkest hour!  I must remember:  It’s important to look to the light, even when the darkness beckons.

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

Originally posted 1/2015 on my prior blog, runninginwater.com

 

Finding Transfiguration

IMG_3859In performing Transfiguration, one becomes a being of light.  It is a light that is divine and shining like the brightest star.IMG_3849As I experience Transfiguration, I go to a place of very high frequency.  This is what I experienced the first time I performed Transfiguration last summer, and what I experienced again last Thursday.  I fill with light and automatically rise up many notches on the frequency meter.  I bathe in my own light.  It is so uplifting and energizing, and feels something akin to Divine Inspiration.  It is the scent of Rose, whose essential oil heals with the highest vibration. IMG_3867Is this why I was chosen to be the gate keeper of Rose oil and why I have planted 10 Rose bushes on my property?IMG_3847

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff

 

December 2015 Flower Bowl/About Inspiration

 

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I am doing a 1-week meditation with Inspiration, from the start of the dark moon to 7 days into Her cycle.  If I can continue on another week I will.  This is what I have come to know about Inspiration today.

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      Being inspired is an active state.  I wish to find it in the world, draw my senses to it.  So that I may feel, smell, touch, taste, hear and see it all around me.   I want to mediate on Inspiration, let it fuel me the way a bee drinks nectar, let it lift my spirit high.  Otherwise if I wait for it to find me, I will forget and fall into lethargy.

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     Inspiration is a source of energy.  Raising my vibration like water wets the Earth, it lifts my etheric body like a flower in exquisite bloom.  Is this what it’s like to soar?  I wish to see.  

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I think I will shout, “You said it Sister!” 

April Aronoff

Photography By April Aronoff